A little more permanent

My digital home has become a little more permanent
So change yee your links.


Hold Me…

I couldn’t find my mp3 to link so instead I knicked a video off of youtube.
This is probably my most favorite Delirious song – out of all that they’ve done – a bold statement I know. Especially for one such as I – a commitment-phobe who avoids make strong bold statements. *grin*
Its a song that haunts me.
I’ve been singing it in my meditations for a good stretch now – I thought I’d share it with ya’ll here.

I’ll take off my shoes, I’m coming in
Untie this rope, I’m staying with Him
Love of my life, I’ll live and die
Just for the moments for my King and I

Why did you call, why did you wait
For someone so guilty, someone so fake
There are no words for my beautiful song
Now I’m in the arms of my beautiful one

Hold me, blow all the pride from my bones
With Your fire
Hold me, breathe on this heart made of stone
Keep it pure

I’ll take off this crown and fall at Your feet
The secret of joy are the moments we meet
How could a man with all of Your fame
Pull me from darkness and call me by name

So hold me today as I carry Your cross
Into the desert to find who is lost
Look at my hands, they’re still full of faith
God, keep them clean till we finish the race

So hold me, blow all the pride from my bones
With Your fire
Hold me, breathe on this heart made of stone
Keep it pure

So hold me, Saviour of Heaven and Earth
King forever
Hold me, love of my life lead me on
Through the fire, lead me on

Lead me on
Lead me on
Lead me on
Here we go

I’ve loved, I have loved

Stand up and destroy

We’ve got to finish, finish
We’ve got to finish, finish
I love You

I’ll take off this crown and fall at Your feet
So hold me now


The Thunder Rolls

I started giggling and ran outside when the thunder cracked. Standing out in the snow/rain/hail I was reminded of a time in highschool and the Tornado siren in town went off. We were in the middle of class and there were only three of us in the room who even knew what the Tornado siren sounded like. Instantly upon hearing it – giddy like kids – we ran outside in pure joy and excitement.

I’ve always been one to run out into the storm.

It took me a while to realize how much storms, clouds, the sky, nature, water, trees all formed and impacted my faith and how I view God. They taught me fear. They remind me that I am not the center of the universe and I am not in control – regardless of how much I wish or pretend that I am.

Sitting with storms comforts me. Its like sitting with God, the One who breathed and there was life. I am comforted by the massive, volatile mystery that He is. I find peace in the fact that He is entirely other than me. I am humbled that Yahweh would draw near…

I’ve always been one to run out into the storm…


w i d e awake

This week I was so very thankful that my room was in a rather subtly chaotic state, a piles-of-papers-in-every-corner kind of existence. Having stuff to clean, organize, clean again, and re-organize saved me a week of pacing, border-line neurotic break down sort of pacing. It sort of pounced on me right from my peripheral. I feel frustratingly awake now, like I was violently startled awake in the midst of a deep sleep. Now its the aftermath of that surprise – the jumpy-defensive-fists-in-the-air-trying-to-see-all-directions-at-once aftermath, the deep-breathing-go-to-your-happy-place methods of calming your heart rate down.
I’m awake now.


Deep calls to Deep

There is solace wrapped in the air tonight.
Thoughts cloaked in hushed silence.
This wet fog drapes my frame
like an oceans weight,
its motions crashing and pulling
me further from shore.
The earth beneath barely touched
as the deep moves up tight,
surrounds me,
as if in me.

The call is forward, into the deep.
These ocean currents whispering my homecoming.
The cadence powerfully strong,
seizingingly strong.
Yet I fear these depths that call.
Unknown, vast, and wide.
They speak of hidden familiarities,
answers in their waves to longings held at bay.

The shore behind sitting thin on horizons edge
almost gone from view now.
These crashing waves press my choice;
beckoning me to trust,
and swim past this edge into the deep.


You and I

Do you know how many blogs I’ve written on long stretches of till tape?
On Kleenex? Napkins? Receipts, insides of gum packages, plastic bags, my phone…. when I was taking a Seminar course last term on John Wesley and Jonathan Edwards and found out that Edwards used to steal his wife’s sewing patterns to write his sermons on I just sat and chuckled to myself — glad to know I’m not alone.

I have felt lately an enormous wealth of things to blog about, and yet as ya’ll know, very few actually make it to a blog post. Let me tell you though how many folded up pieces of paper, till tape and cardboard I have floating around in my room with blog posts on them…

Its as if God has a firm hold on my toe and is dragging me into this term. I am reluctant and hesitant because I feel his presence and I hear his soft whisper saying,

“We have a lot of work to do…you and I”

Feet firmly planted, like a brat staring at that spoonful of Buckley’s you know that you will have to swallow at some point… “I know we do….” is all I can muster in response. Hence, being lovingly dragged.

In truth, I was rocked by a situation last year that has affected me so much deeper than I first realized. As if many things, from different places in my life, all hitched a ride on this one event and hit me full force unexpectedly.
And so I stand firm footed (or rather begrudgingly dragged), and my stubbornness lives in the knowledge that there is indeed a lot of work – a lot of deep work – and I don’t know if I’m a ready for this spring cleaning of my soul. I don’t know if I am ready to stare at those deep emotions.

Yet I hear the care in his voice
I see the calm in his eyes
I hear his chuckle at my stubbornness
… and I am stilled…
by remembrance of who it is that speaks so tenderly to me.


These Paths

I was ready for this season.  I knew what was coming and what followed.  I knew the bends, the places of rest, the ebb and flow of the tide…when to advance, when to wait.  It had become familiarity.  These paths so frequented that they lie obvious and worn down from my tholing through them.

In truth I have become weary of their constant familiarity.  To know the weight, texture, taste, and measure of them.  Their ever presence something always a part of me, always around, always attainable.  Seeing the sky, mountains, water, cityscape, strangers and having their very presence lead me to those now worn paths.  Everything takes me there.  My entire environment.

To come this season and see these same paths before me yet again, to know what will come, I was ready and I heaved a sigh, turned this corner, and began once again to put foot in front of foot and walk forward.

But it changed.

It was sudden and unexpected and pounced like a predator.  No warning, no time for preparation; simply and powerfully it attacked with claws out and aimed at vitals.  The heavy familiarity gone in a breath and violently replaced.  Familiarity stripped, the certainty of the path robbed.

It sits so near my surface that I fear physically moving too suddenly or opening my mouth to speak; so thin is the barrier that is holding it all back.  The most everyday acts leave me bruised and uncertain.

So I tread lightly.  I walk as one fragile and broken, unsure of my footing and unsure of what lay ahead.  I tread lightly.


Weary Kind

Your heart’s on the loose
You rolled them seven’s with nothing lose
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind

You called all your shots
Shooting 8 ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this don’t feel like home anymore

And this ain’t no place for the weary kind
And this ain’t no place to lose your mind
And this ain’t no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try

Your body aches…
Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same

Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesn’t forget
the highway that calls for your heart inside

And this ain’t no place for the weary kind
And this ain’t no place to lose your mind
And this ain’t no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try

Your lovers won’t kiss…
It’s too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world

Your heart’s on the loose
You rolled them seven’s with nothing lose
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind

(written by T.Bone Burnett and Ryan Bingham
performed by Ryan Bingham)


No wonder I’m tired…

3 courses
1 professor
18 articles
3 research papers
20 hrs/wk @ work
36,500 words written
16 books read (+ research)
1 short answer final
1 paper presentation
copious hours of discussion

all in 14 weeks.


Christmas can come now.
but first – sleep.

… and wine.


Oh The Deep…

I love hymns and lately they have been on repeat in my head and heart….here is one of my favorites that i’ve been singing repeatedly…

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, nevermore!
How He watches o’er His loved ones, died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth, watcheth o’er them from the throne!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, love of every love the best!
’Tis an ocean full of blessing, ’tis a haven giving rest!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus, ’tis a heaven of heavens to me;
And it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee!