The Earl

Beginning this second job of mine, I’ve realized myself sharply in a way that isn’t new but one of those “oh yeah…” moments. A conversation with a friend recently made me re-realize an aspect of myself, which I always forget. Looking back, I have always been the type of person to have a “foot” in two worlds or been able to hold an understanding of different things. (For example) between two groups of friends, generational differences, styles of music, two opposing ways of thinking, or more personally, things like I am an artist but I am a tech nerd as well, I love living transient but I’ve always wanted to settle quickly and never move, I love education and higher learning but I want to be in places so far removed from “education land” (in the western sense)…

It has been this, being the both/and girl, that has come into focus again. I love people, I really do. Working and being with people comes naturally for me and is something I enjoy and find life in. God has been generous with me and given me patience and kindness for people when I have nothing in the store room. If I were pressed to say what my “calling” in life was…or what I felt like I am supposed to do, or be….being with people would be my answer. Now while this has been something I’ve known for a while now, it has confused me for just as long because while I love workin’ with and being with people, I am also a fierce introvert. Fierce. Solitary tasks or time, energizes me.

This has always been a balance in my life that I’ve struggled with, largely in part because I have always worked customer service. At the end of the day however – because I’ve been with people – I am a fried duck, over-cooked, and ready for the bin. I need a day to day “make your living” job that ISN’T people related so that at the end of the day (and in my extra time) I have the internal energy to hang out, spend time with, and get to know people (friends and strangers). I always feel bad for any room-mates I live with because when I get home from work I need to literally make a cup of The Earl and lock myself in my room for hours before I feel ready to venture into people land again.

I am thankful for the friends in my life because most of them are social butterflies and find their energy WITH people….they’ve helped to pull me out of hiding….At times I hide more than I should – it’s always easier hiding. I need people though, I need casual conversations and deep ones, run in’s with strangers and off the wall moments on transit, I need to spend time with friends even when I feel fried and ready for the bin – I just need to remember to take my Earl with me when I venture out =)

Inflamed

Have you ever met (or maybe not even met) people who seem to be, do, love, express, a piece of your heart? Maybe you’ve seen their work, a piece of art, heard or read a poem, or maybe you can’t put your finger on it specifically but its there. Maybe its been something spiritually, someone living and expressing their life in Jesus in such a way that feels desire, familiar. Maybe you don’t know them personally and yet somehow they’ve sparked something in you. Like a “little sibling syndrom” where you follow around your older sibling around because they are simply the coolest thing in your world.

Its not that you want to be exactly like them – not a mirror image or a copy cat – but its like they embody a piece of your heart, a dream you’ve held, a passion you desire to cultivate. It’s a different shade though because its flavoured with who that person is yet there is such creative force, such energy that builds up within you that you find all your dreams and passions inflamed and burning hot.

Inspiration moves like tidal waves, some waves at times stronger than others. Because of such people in my life – the ones known and the ones not known – I feel the tide has come in and things are inflamed and burning hot. I wish I was able to split into 8 different versions of myself so that I could write, and take a picture, and play my guitar and paint, and sketch a face, and hear peoples stories, and live in a library, and teach someone something…all at the same time so that this burning could be quenched.

I’m curious – all three of you who read this *wink* – what’s been inflamed in you lately? What have you seen or heard or read that has caused you to remember those things that you love on the deepest level?

(The following site is a link too one of my “older siblings” creatively speaking, a friend I met in Korea – Steph – clicking on the photo will take you too her flickr page – which i highly recommend viewing)

I need…

barcelona

Originally uploaded by youngdoo

I will find…
I will learn…

Evening Rain

I had to walk up hill so I slowed down, taking my time. I was stilled by the steady rain against my small umbrella. Its one of my favorite sounds because it makes me feel like I’m camping, like the rain falling through the trees will break through my thin little tent. Its a meditative sound for me – it calms me in places that I don’t realize i need calming in – so I slowed, thankful for the walk in the rain late at night. The fragrance of lilacs and all manner of flowers is so wonderfully overwhelming when its raining – another reason to walk slowly.

Walking, thinking, smelling, listening….I was recalling a conversation with a couple good friends – both actors – we were sharing some of our Downtown east Hastings stories – of which there really is never an end. There are so many homeless in Vancouver and at times I am very thankful for my time in Winnipeg and at WCV because that initial shock and uncomfortableness isn’t there as strong. Out here East Hastings is a place marked by poverty, hunger, addictions, and mental illness….it grips you and doesn’t really let go. A while back I was out taking shots in the area and this one lady in her late 40’s rushed me in the street and just stood staring at me, not talking, just looking. I was taken aback and a little unsure so I too, said nothing. We stared at each other for about 4 or 5 min, no words, no movement, just watching. Finally she started telling me this story of how she used to live in Winnipeg years ago and certain events that brought her out here. It was a completely calm and laid back story telling. Randomly and very suddenly, she grabbed my face in both her hands and kissed me on the cheek, like an excited aunt or grandma would do to their little one or grandchild. Before I knew what was happening she was back to a very calm and sedated telling of a different story – and I just laughed, I laughed so hard.

It immediately made me recall when I first got to Korea, dazed and overwhelmed by newness. There was a popular mountain right near my place, and people from all over Suwon and surrounding areas would bus to my area to go climb this mountain. This one afternoon – I was standing on the corner of an intersection and this tiny (because most old Asians ladys are very tiny) little lady, fully out-fitted in climbing gear, rushed up to me with a big smile plastered on her face. I started looking around trying to find the person that she was so excited to see, noticing no one who fit that description I looked back at her and she was right in front of me, huge grin, and she starts talking very quick and excitedly – none of which I can understand of course. She too grabbed my face in both hands and gleefully kisses me on each cheek, waving at me as she walks away, still talking to me like I was a long lost grandchild. The whole encounter took maybe 10 min and I was left standing there completely shocked and her infectious grin now stuck on my face. I ended up running into her – on that same corner – about 4 more times. Each time was just as excited, if not more so. I don’t think i’ll ever forget her….I remember wishing so fiercely that we could have had a conversation, understood each others words…

I love wandering downtown and trying to get some shots of people. Its usually the homeless ones that are willing to give you any time, everyone else trys to pretend they are in their own little world, acting oblivious but really aren’t. Hearing parts of their stories and watching them as they share is an adventure all in itself. Some of them catch on quick (for the pan handling down here can get very creative most days) and they’ll see your camera in your hand and run up to you yelling “Picture for some change! Picture for some change!” to which I reply – only if you tell me a story……

wordless

Here is piece of my heart as of late…

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is Yours

My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humbled I bow down
In your prescence at your throne

I called, you answered
and you came to my rescue and I,
I want to be where you are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

– Came to the Rescue (Hillsong)

travel

It happens most frequently when I’m traveling in a vehicle, the sounds around me fading to indistinct shades of colour, my gaze occupied by the steady stream of everyday moving happening on the other side of the glass. It soothes me deeper than I realize most days. It happens without conscious effort really, it feels like I am stone dropped into a pond, a steady fall deeper. Almost meditative. I find it incongruous to traveling on transit – seemingly the least likely place – and yet…still… I stumble into and experience these deeply personal and meditative moments with the Spirit on transit…
I am thankful God meets me where I am in life, I am humbled that he would do all the work, take care of what’s necessary so that all that’s required of me is a turning to Him.

Doubt

Phillip Seymour Hoffman…
Meryl Streep…

tour
de
force.

geeeez….
Appreciate good acting?
Watch Doubt.

So Near

Its funny when the end is in sight and by in sight I refer to being frighteningly graspable, hurtling towards you at break-neck speeds, kind of like being glued to train tracks watching the steamer round the corner just ahead and line up square with your oh-so-stuck self…

There is a certain spring in my step, whistle while I walk, and general glee that moves in – maybe it has something to do with the speeding steamer hurtling hurtling towards me…. Of course these feelings of glee coincide beautifully with the extended sunlight as of late, I don’t think there is anything more perfect than sun spots.

Out of unashamed rebellion against my studies, I spent Sunday afternoon curled up in a chair in my room, basking cat-like in a sun spot, reading a particularly scrumptious book…. delicious perfection.

Its quite comedic watching peoples moods changing with the coming of Spring and Sun and all things green and wonderful….There is this tree that I pass as I walk to work and its looks positively dead and it actually smells rotten, but lately there have been the cutest and most pleasant little buds starting to grow, and lately every time I pass it there are handfuls more. I remember the first time I walked by it and noticed just one tiny little bud…it was so brilliantly green in contrast to this dead smelly branch….it made me smile the whole rest of the way to work.

God is so faithful to grow things….I’m thankful he’s growing things in me just as faithfully.

Buddings

This time of year – this move from winter to spring – is one that always seems to touch deep.  It echos and reverberates my whole being, body, mind, and soul.  The musings and feelings that have been occupying space in me lately I don’t believe are coincedence, they are tied tightly to the changing seasons, both of creation and of the spiritual.

One of the increasingly powerful things that I have put into practice in my life over the last handful of years is the practice of lent.  I think every year that I have participated in this it has shocked me in what I experience, in the journey of emotions and life that I feel.  This whole year has been quite a journey and now that its nearing its end I am filled with those closing emotions, ending feelings….the seasonal ends.

I was shocked this summer returning from Korea and moving here because I assumed I would be experiencing those “big changes in your life” kind of feelings.  The end of something and the beginning of something different.  All summer I waited for the arrival of those feelings…..they never came.  Once I arrived here I thought , surely they’ll come now…..they never came.  Even being in this city – it wasn’t new and foreign – it felt like a returning.  Thinking about this over the summer made me realize that coming to study here felt like a continuation of what the Spirit was doing in me while in Korea, that the journey just happened to take place in two different locations.  Some days this place is stunningly similar to Korea; at times I feel it so strongly that I’d walk into stores and speak my broken poor ’survival’ Korean out of habit and then looking at the stunned face on the other side of the counter, shocked at their silence and I’d finally hear — “pardon?”.

This ending of lent approaching, this coming of spring, this leaving winter and welcoming spring feels like a true ending.  I feel like I am saying goodbye to Korea finally.  I am daily shocked at how “at home” I was in Korea…some days it haunts me… so the goodbye feeling sort of sits like a rock in my gut, always present, profoundly sad because its an ending……

….but spring is on the horizon and things are budding, not just on the trees and in the bushes but I feel them in my spirit, and they make me smile.

…..what’s budding in your life this season?

My heart is waiting
Inside its fading
and the leaves won’t stop falling

The days grow shorter
Nights are longer
And winter wraps around me

You said
“wait child, I’m in love with you
Its a solemn vow, I’ll come back for you”

My heart is waiting
Inside its fading
And the leaves won’t stop falling

The days grow shorter
Nights are longer
Winter wraps around me

You said,
“Wait child, I’m in love you,
Its a solemn vow, I’ll come back for you
Wait child, I’m in love with you…”

He will come, surely as the sun bursts forth into light.
He will come, until then I will keep my lamp burning bright
He will come, He will come.

“Wait child, I’m in love with you
Its a solemn vow, I’ll come back for you”

-Karla Adolphe “He will come”

…

This is a song that haunts me, follows me around throughout my day.  The questions echo within and bring me to pause, stirring prayer and worship, challenge and comfort…can you hear them?

Will you come and follow Me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?
Will you let My love be shown, Will you let My name be known,
Will you let My life be grown in you and you in Me?

Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let Me answer prayer in you and you in Me?

Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean, and do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean in you and you in Me?

Will you love the “you” you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found to reshape the world around,
Through My sight and touch and sound in you and you in Me?

Christ, your summons echoes true when You but call my name,
Let me turn and follow You and never be the same.
In your company I’ll go where Your love and footsteps show,
Thus I’ll move and live and grow in You and You in me.